Things I Cannot Do

Beth and I have a lot of schtick. One of our best not-too-slapsticky bits:

N: "Know your role."
B: "Play to your strengths."

This exchange usually follows decisions about who's going to do what (or who should have the good sense to step aside to let the experts whip up the cocktails). Years into "knowing my role" and "playing to my strengths" I think I can also clearly sum up all the things I should never be called upon to do.

* sit through an episode of "Scrubs"

* foxtrot

* apply false lashes

* touch a picture of a snake

* tolerate a messy office

* roll my tongue

* drink Dr. Pepper

* remember a damn thing

* win a video game

* throw a ball without bringing shame on myself and my family

* paint my nails anything other than clear or pale pink

* calculus

* back a trailer

* pull an all-nighter

* confidently order in French

* remember the proper use of a colon vs. a semi-colon without referencing "Rules for Writers"

* label the countries on a map of Africa

I humbly submit these to our loyal readers in the event that we're ever faced with a Foxtrot-related emergency. However, should you need something color-coordinated and cross-referenced by zip code in time for the Happy Hour, do feel free to give me a jingle.