Things You Can Buy at a Truck-Stop

Yet again, I'm on the cutting edge. Bringing you important news - stuff you can't find anywhere else - stuff that could change the way you live your life.

For example, did you know the bounty that awaits at a nearby truck-stop? Just off the freeway lies a collection of items you may not be able to find anywhere else. You fancy types who jet-set around the world sure are missing out on a culturally enriching experience. So bring it down a notch, hit the humble highway, and behold:
Swedish Fish! Seems normal enough, right? Look more closely. This is a 1.9 POUND bag. I said it yesterday, and I'll say it again, "Is there a dentist in the house?"

Hood ornament? I think the gift-with-purchase when you buy one of these suckers should be a car horn that plays Dueling Banjos. It's a logical set. You really shouldnt' have one without the other.

Nothing says "classy lady" like the world's tackiest handbag. Fully stocked for the beer-drinkin gal on the go. Open-container laws don't apply to "classy ladies."

Samurai Sword? Definitely on my list of travel essentials. Ironically, these were just down the way from the longhorns. Welcome to the melting pot, people.

Maybe something nice for the home? Ya know, skull figurines are the new hip hostess gift. All the "classy ladies" are giving them.

And speaking of the home, wouldn't this look nice over the davenport? Is it wrong to coat the Messiah in enough lacquer to resurface a basketball court? No! It is the highest form of praise. The clock's real multi-functional, too.

Even after uncovering all those gems, we decided the Best-of-the-Bounty was wardrobe. In fact, they had a full ensemble ready to purchase.

Camo cargos and a sleeveless denim shirt, pre-frayed. You might be able to get away with the shorts, but I'm not too sure about the sleeveless denim. I've seen guys try it twice - once was on a skinny kid in high school (who was beaten up later that day) and the other was on Larry the Cable Guy. I guess this is how ya git 'er done.

Remember those nice foamy hats with the mesh back? The ones t-ball coaches were sporting in 1979? They are alive and well at the truck-stop, and really round out the full outfit.

For those willing to take some risks and set some trends:
Coon-skin caps! Conveniently located between the skull figurines and the dairy case. Right where you'd expect to find them.

And there you have it: nine really good reasons to pull off at the next truck-stop. We recommend the Flying J in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, and the $50,000 Silver Dollar Bar in middle-of-nowhere, Montana. Although, after sneaking around their shops trying to discreetly snap pictures with my iPhone while surpressing fits of laughter, I'm pretty sure we are no longer welcome in either one. It's a shame cause I need a classy new handbag for fall.