What Not to Write

This is the time of year when I spend a lot of time reading application essays submitted by prospective graduate students. While most of them are well-polished, presenting inspiring personal stories and evidence of strong academic potential, there are always a few that miss the mark. I read three doozies in a row earlier this week, and actually laughed out loud at the choices these applicants made with their essays. I think I can safely share these bloopers without identifying anyone or compromising the integrity of our process, and I just can't resist. As you read, remember that these are applicants for a very competitive graduate-level program (not high school students).

What Not to Write Example #1:
The applicant's essay begins with, "Close your eyes and envision...". This is followed by a lengthy paragraph describing exactly what the reader should be envisioning. Seriously? Close my eyes? So I guess you don't actually want anyone to read your essay after all. Maybe I can close my eyes and hold the essay to my forehead (al a Johnny Carson with his envelopes) and miraculously know the contents? That must be it.

What Not to Write Example #2:
This blooper wasn't part of an essay, but was listed on the resume section of the application where applicants list recent and significant employment, volunteer positions, and extra-curricular activities. Since most applicants have recently graduated from college or been out of college for awhile, it's common to list college and post-college experiences here. Occasionally folks will stretch and list a significant a high school experience, but that's kind of pushing it. This offender - a college graduate - actually listed "Elementary School Student Body President" in the resume section. My first gripe is the fact that this experience took place at least 12 years ago! How could it possibly represent the applicant's current activities and involvement? Secondly, what does an Elementary School Student Body President even do? Monitor the hallways? Serve as line-leader? Mediate playground disputes when the four-square game gets a little out of hand?

What Not to Write Example #3:
This one is my favorite. In his essay, the applicant was trying to explain that he is a post-baccalaureate student. For those of you outside the world of higher ed., this term indicates a student who already has a bachelors - "baccalaureate" - degree, and has enrolled in additional undergraduate courses after receiving their degree. This poor applicant is either a victim of bad spell-checking or just plain clueless because he referred to himself as a post-bachelorette student. HA! My guess is that he was either recently dumped by his girlfriend, or is a reality-show cast-off. One thing is for sure, I won't forget his essay anytime soon.